When Exhaustion becomes Your Best Friend...

Slept in this morning- my body is definitely  exhausted. I have been taking naps throughout the week, but I just don't think it's enough. It's amazing how grief affects every part of your life. Your body is affected by the stress of grief. I woke up after 8am and we kept pretty busy. I felt numb most of the day and that I'm living a nightmare- like this is a dream and I'm going to wake up and everything be ok. But, it's not ok. And I realized that as I pulled into the Lowe's parking lot.

I'm not sure why Lowe's and I'm not sure why at that moment, but I began crying and thinking "He's never coming home." Lately it feels like I'm tricking my mind to believe that Jeff is just on a long trip-but at the quiet time of the night, I realize he's not on a trip and this is not a dream.

I even have some anxiety- if you knew me you would agree that panic and anxiety are not "me". I used to be a free spirited joyful person. Now, I'm anxious, afraid, very hurt and sad, and the list goes on. Some days I wake up and I feel a glimpse of normalcy. Then by lunchtime it is just a foggy memory and I'm back to my new reality.

I can't put a timeline on when I will begin to feel like going to the grocery store isn't a panic attack leaving me in tears. I know God's grace is carrying me and my boys.

It's just so hard some times. The exhaustion, the tears, all of the emotions. I just wish he was home with us. I miss him terribly and I often wonder how I will carry on my life without him.

I know Jesus will carry me through and hopefully one day I will be able to walk on my own again.

The day my life stood still

Many have asked me what happened? I am sharing the hardest day of my life with you. I ask that you would continue to pray for me, the boys and our entire family.....this was the day my entire world stood still.

My husband was away on a business trip. He was so excited about his upcoming promotion to manager. He took his training seriously, and though he did not like flying, he was eager to travel out of State.

His first trip was at the end of September. I remember packing with him the night before he left. He wanted me to read off his list to make sure he wasn't forgetting anything. He would unpack and repack as I read his list. My husband was super organized. I mean...ultra-organized.

His first trip was successful and when he came home he wasn't feeling well. He caught a cold from traveling and by that weekend he had a full-on sinus infection. For my husband to ever go to the doctor you know he must not be feeling well. However, Saturday morning came and off he went to a walk-in clinic. He was prescribed an antibiotic and other medications and he took them each day as he was supposed to.

He started feeling better, but still was not 100% before his second trip. We went through his packing routine Sunday night, and Monday, October 5th he left the house at 3:00am heading to the airport. I am so thankful we prayed together that night, and I kissed his forehead.

We text, emailed, talked and Face-timed each other as well as the boys while he was away. That was one thing my husband and I have always done- text. I mean chronically. The boys enjoyed seeing his hotel room through technology, and I enjoyed the feeling that he was here though he wasn't. Wednesday, Oct. 7th, he started my routine morning text, telling me he loved me, asked how I and the boys were, etc. He then sent me Scripture verses he read that morning. It was a normal day.

He did text me that he wasn't feeling well, now fearing the sinus infection returned. He told me he didn't sleep well Tuesday night, however he had been experiencing insomnia for a few months and so I didn't make a big deal out of it. I text him that I love him and that I couldn't text or talk because I was on the 8th grade retreat. He said he loved me and to text later.

Wednesday was a blur and I now had bronchitis. I felt light headed from the heat and from coughing all day. I was exhausted and couldn't wait to get home to shower and rest-but I had the monkeys. The monkeys as Jeff and I called them are our two very lively sons. I text Jeff that the boys and I were home, that I felt worse that day than all week, and that all crazy was happening. Our alarm was going crazy, the boys were at it as brothers are, and the phone was ringing. I text him that I would talk later because everything was crazy! I told him I love him and he said he loved me and was probably going to go to bed because he had to wake up early Thursday to come home.

After getting the alarm off, the boys in bed and somewhat settled, I text him back. He didn't respond so I thought he was already asleep.

Thursday morning, October 8th 2015,  came and I glanced at my phone and did not see his normal morning text. I was confused but thought possibly that he may have over-slept and could have been stressed about his flight, etc. and may have just simply forgotten to text me. So, I sent him the verses I read that morning before heading to school, and waited. But, he never answered.

I taught my first class, and checked my phone multiple times. Still nothing. I began to get concerned when I text him that I would be needing to see a Dr. as soon as he got home because I was wheezing and getting worse. No response from him. That was unlike my husband. He always text back. I started to worry and thought that he may have lost his phone, missed his flight, etc. I started making phone calls looking for him. His Dad was at the airport waiting to get him...circling and circling. He said that Jeff never called him either. Again, my husband was very organized and NEVER did anything like that before. It was at that moment I felt sick. I knew in my spirit something was terribly wrong.

After confusion through multiple phone calls, tracking his iPhone and talking to various people, we learned that my husband never boarded his flight. It was at this time that the NY police were sent to the hotel. My worse nightmare came true within minutes. My world came crashing down and my life stood eerily still. My best friend, my husband was gone. He passed away in his sleep.

The rest of that day and days to follow are a blur. I have been struck with the worse type of pain imaginable. The grief is so heart-wrenching it makes me sick. I have questions that have not been answered and even more now than ever before I have questioned God as to why? Why now? Why him? Why me? Why my boys? Why our family? This isn't fair. I think I have uttered those words more than ever before.

My life forever changed in a split moment. I became a widow and single mom within minutes of hearing the horrific news. Fear gripped me. I felt like I couldn't breath. Why me? Why him?

The days following his passing have been confusing, frustrating, heartbreaking and yet filled with hope, peace and comfort. I know I will see him again, but honestly, most days....that doesn't help because I want to see him now.

In meeting with my Pastor I was able to share my transparent hurt. I was able to be honest without being judged. It was during our meeting that he shifted my perspective from Why to What Now? I may spend my days questioning Why and I may not ever get an answer. However, I will get direction when I ask What Now. Jesus is carrying my boys and I one moment at a time. I may not know why this is happening, but I do know what is next...and I need to focus on that.

As hard as this tragedy is, I need to constantly cling to His promises. Though it may feel like he has left me, He hasn't. He has used His people, His church to come alongside of my family and be His hands and feet. We are so thankful for the community.

I have always loved writing. Jeff would joke and always have me write things for him. He would always compliment me on my writing, though I never took him serious. Writing has always been an outlet for me. Since I was a young girl. I started this blog for a few reasons:

1. A release of my pain
2. Comfort for me and others
3. An online journal to look back on in years
4. To minister to me and anyone else who needs it
5. To feel closer to my beloved husband

My prayer is that the Lord would use these broken hallelujahs to mend the brokenness inside of me and others. I will always trust His Word  " That He has a plan for me. A plan not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Are you Ready?

I have to share a tough topic with you- sorry in advance if I offend anyone but I feel that if I don't say this, I would regret it in the future. 

We all live in such a way that we count on tomorrow. We plan our steps and organize our days, believing that we will wake up the next morning, and the next, and the next....

No one ever thinks they will be widowed at a young age. No one thinks they will lose a child. No one thinks that their children will be left behind because a tragedy strikes both parents. I know I didn't think it would ever happen to me. You see, I counted on tomorrows. For the last 39 years. I clung to my memories and was eager about each new day I was blessed with. I made dumb decisions, didn't hold my tongue, never returned calls or texts, took advantage of my life. I was living a fast paced life. Too busy. 

Looking back at the last few weeks of my life and how it has been tragically changed, I must say that I do not count on tomorrow. My husband was supposed to return the next day from a business trip but he never came home. He never woke up. While I was here going about my busy day, he was dancing with Jesus unbeknownst to me. 

No one is ever prepared to lose a loved one. No matter if they battled terminal illness, or if there were warning signs. When death strikes, it crushes you. When it is your spouse, you feel your heart has been severed. When it is sudden and unexpected, you are grieved to the point of illness. Tomorrow never came for my beloved husband, but it did for his sons and me. I wasn't prepared to lose him so early, but I am thankful he thought of things in case he did.


I'm not sure who this is for, but regardless if you are single, newly married, married with kids, an empty nester, divorced, etc you must do this. You must put a plan in place in case tragedy strikes. That means a living will. That means retirement accounts. That means life insurance. That means disability. If you haven't done this yet, please accept my advice and do it tomorrow. We never know if tomorrow will come. We have to plan and be wise in case tomorrow doesn't happen. I say this is utmost love for all of you.

He Keeps His Promises

Tonight, I wanted to share a supernatural encounter I had. You see, when my brother died at age 30 I was somewhat prepared. He was very sick and in hospice. We knew his time to go home with Jesus was coming. When it happened, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was just 21 years old. I spoke at his memorial as he was everything to me. I remember begging God to help me-and he did. That situation repeated itself years later when my Daddy died unexpectedly. He was in Ohio and it was the summer before I began teaching at CCA. We kept him on life support so many could pay respects to him from all over the nation. I didn't think I would be able to speak at his service-but my mom begged me and once again I told God He needed to show up on my behalf. And, He did.

When I stood in front of at least 500 people, I started to panic but suddenly I felt two hands on my back holding me up. I even looked behind me and no one was there. I gave the eulogy and once I sat down my mom asked why I looked behind me. I shared with her I felt these hands holding me up. I started sobbing with her, swept by grief. 6 months later, my Mom died unexpectedly. She had a major surgery and was just about ready to be transferred to assisted living for physical therapy. The call came about an hour after I left visiting her. I was full of hurt, confusion, grief and more. I told God there was NO WAY I would speak at her service- I mean, I just lost my Daddy 6 months beforehand. However, I was asked to speak at her memorial- and once again, I told God He had to show up. And, He did. 

When planning my husband's service I knew I could not speak. I was gripped with fear in a way I've never had before. I cry without warning, sob with deep pain. I am angry. I am confused. The list goes on. So, I knew I wouldn't be able to speak in front of people on his behalf. It wasn't until we were in the office to plan his service that Paul was asking for names of people speaking. I gave everyone's name and we moved on. Then I felt this hard pressing-like I had to speak. So I told him to put my name down. I was sick to my stomach- what would I say? Well, I had multiple arguments (mono-arguments) with God. I told Him He better show up more than ever before- like BIGTIME! I was terrified-I didn't know what to say- I tried writing my eulogy multiple times but it wasn't until midnight, two nights before his service, that I asked God and Jeff what to say. I typed for what seemed to be hours. I closed my computer and went to bed.

 I took the day to myself. I went to the beach and sat alone. Listening to the wind and the waves. I closed my eyes and inhaled. Butterflies in my stomach regarding Jeff's service the next day. I opened my eyes and saw a little boy ( 1 1/2 years old) standing right in front of me. He had dark hair and chocolate eyes. He smiled. His teeth so little, his grin so big. He started talking (babbling) and I tried to make sense of what he was saying. All I could hear was "look" "look" as he was pointing up. I saw many birds and so I thought he was talking about birds- he would repeat what I said-birds, airplane etc. then he would walk down to his parents. He would appear like this a few times. Once he placed his little hands on my knees and said "look" "up" I looked up to see nothing but the beautiful sky. He took my hand and walked me to the waters edge. He held my pinkie and pointed to the waves- look-look- I said yes I see the waves. He would shake his head no and do this over and over again. What did he see? I will never know. What I do know is as soon as our encounter an unexplainable peace flooded over me. We stood for what seemed like forever staring out at the ocean. Not saying a word. Just holding my pinkie. I told his mom that he was ministering to me in a powerful way and that my husband just passed away. I told her how special her son is. That day, Jayden was an angel sent to me.

 The next morning was the morning of my husband's funeral. I told God He needed to keep His promise. And, He did once again. I walked up to the podium and took in a breath and began. Before I knew it, I felt like I was floating. As if I were watching someone else give the eulogy. I couldn't feel my legs. It was one of the most supernatural experiences I have ever had. 

Jesus carried me that day, just as the poem Footprints mentions. As soon as I sat down, I began to weep. God's power is very real. There was a message that God needed others to hear that morning, and He knew the only way I would be able to be that vessel was for Him to carry me. Your prayers carried us and continue to do so. Never underestimate the power of prayer!

How has God kept His promises to you? Write them down as you remember them to reflect back on in times of questioning.

Loss is Messy

So I don't know where to begin...loss is hard. Messy. Sickening. Depressing. There are conflicting emotions of hope, joy, expectation, peace, comfort and life. One minute we can be doing life and the next minute we are gripped with unbearable heart-break. It's like the ebb and flow of the ocean. A wave comes in, crashes on you, you can hardly breathe-you hold your breath and look up. 

There it is, the water's surface. You swim as hard and as fast as you can upward-you see it in the distance- an anchor. You swim all the faster and you grab it and hold on for your life. You catch your breath, you admire the beauty in the waves, you feel safe and at peace....until it happens again. The wave comes crashing in, you let go of the anchor and begin to sink...you start the process all over again.

I have had a few amazing encounters since my husband's passing. One I will share is when we were at the cemetery for his service. I'm sitting in the front row and the most peaceful breeze is blowing. And it happens. I smell the salty air. I smell the ocean. However, we are far west and not anywhere near the beach. Then it happens again. And again. At the close of the service as we were walking back to the car and I smelled it again. I turned to someone and I asked her if she smelled it too? The ocean? She said she didn't. 

It happened again today when I went alone to visit him. My husband knew how the beach was my place of solitude, serenity and peace. God knows too. It amazes me how God cares so much about my pain that He would allow for me to smell the salty sea breeze to remind me of his and Jeff's love. It is a little healing balm on my broken heart. If I don't slow my pace I will miss the pursuit of our Lord...and the reminder that my husband is there with Him. 💗