Loss is Messy

So I don't know where to begin...loss is hard. Messy. Sickening. Depressing. There are conflicting emotions of hope, joy, expectation, peace, comfort and life. One minute we can be doing life and the next minute we are gripped with unbearable heart-break. It's like the ebb and flow of the ocean. A wave comes in, crashes on you, you can hardly breathe-you hold your breath and look up. 

There it is, the water's surface. You swim as hard and as fast as you can upward-you see it in the distance- an anchor. You swim all the faster and you grab it and hold on for your life. You catch your breath, you admire the beauty in the waves, you feel safe and at peace....until it happens again. The wave comes crashing in, you let go of the anchor and begin to sink...you start the process all over again.

I have had a few amazing encounters since my husband's passing. One I will share is when we were at the cemetery for his service. I'm sitting in the front row and the most peaceful breeze is blowing. And it happens. I smell the salty air. I smell the ocean. However, we are far west and not anywhere near the beach. Then it happens again. And again. At the close of the service as we were walking back to the car and I smelled it again. I turned to someone and I asked her if she smelled it too? The ocean? She said she didn't. 

It happened again today when I went alone to visit him. My husband knew how the beach was my place of solitude, serenity and peace. God knows too. It amazes me how God cares so much about my pain that He would allow for me to smell the salty sea breeze to remind me of his and Jeff's love. It is a little healing balm on my broken heart. If I don't slow my pace I will miss the pursuit of our Lord...and the reminder that my husband is there with Him. 💗