When Exhaustion becomes Your Best Friend...

Slept in this morning- my body is definitely  exhausted. I have been taking naps throughout the week, but I just don't think it's enough. It's amazing how grief affects every part of your life. Your body is affected by the stress of grief. I woke up after 8am and we kept pretty busy. I felt numb most of the day and that I'm living a nightmare- like this is a dream and I'm going to wake up and everything be ok. But, it's not ok. And I realized that as I pulled into the Lowe's parking lot.

I'm not sure why Lowe's and I'm not sure why at that moment, but I began crying and thinking "He's never coming home." Lately it feels like I'm tricking my mind to believe that Jeff is just on a long trip-but at the quiet time of the night, I realize he's not on a trip and this is not a dream.

I even have some anxiety- if you knew me you would agree that panic and anxiety are not "me". I used to be a free spirited joyful person. Now, I'm anxious, afraid, very hurt and sad, and the list goes on. Some days I wake up and I feel a glimpse of normalcy. Then by lunchtime it is just a foggy memory and I'm back to my new reality.

I can't put a timeline on when I will begin to feel like going to the grocery store isn't a panic attack leaving me in tears. I know God's grace is carrying me and my boys.

It's just so hard some times. The exhaustion, the tears, all of the emotions. I just wish he was home with us. I miss him terribly and I often wonder how I will carry on my life without him.

I know Jesus will carry me through and hopefully one day I will be able to walk on my own again.