The day my life stood still

Many have asked me what happened? I am sharing the hardest day of my life with you. I ask that you would continue to pray for me, the boys and our entire family.....this was the day my entire world stood still.

My husband was away on a business trip. He was so excited about his upcoming promotion to manager. He took his training seriously, and though he did not like flying, he was eager to travel out of State.

His first trip was at the end of September. I remember packing with him the night before he left. He wanted me to read off his list to make sure he wasn't forgetting anything. He would unpack and repack as I read his list. My husband was super organized. I mean...ultra-organized.

His first trip was successful and when he came home he wasn't feeling well. He caught a cold from traveling and by that weekend he had a full-on sinus infection. For my husband to ever go to the doctor you know he must not be feeling well. However, Saturday morning came and off he went to a walk-in clinic. He was prescribed an antibiotic and other medications and he took them each day as he was supposed to.

He started feeling better, but still was not 100% before his second trip. We went through his packing routine Sunday night, and Monday, October 5th he left the house at 3:00am heading to the airport. I am so thankful we prayed together that night, and I kissed his forehead.

We text, emailed, talked and Face-timed each other as well as the boys while he was away. That was one thing my husband and I have always done- text. I mean chronically. The boys enjoyed seeing his hotel room through technology, and I enjoyed the feeling that he was here though he wasn't. Wednesday, Oct. 7th, he started my routine morning text, telling me he loved me, asked how I and the boys were, etc. He then sent me Scripture verses he read that morning. It was a normal day.

He did text me that he wasn't feeling well, now fearing the sinus infection returned. He told me he didn't sleep well Tuesday night, however he had been experiencing insomnia for a few months and so I didn't make a big deal out of it. I text him that I love him and that I couldn't text or talk because I was on the 8th grade retreat. He said he loved me and to text later.

Wednesday was a blur and I now had bronchitis. I felt light headed from the heat and from coughing all day. I was exhausted and couldn't wait to get home to shower and rest-but I had the monkeys. The monkeys as Jeff and I called them are our two very lively sons. I text Jeff that the boys and I were home, that I felt worse that day than all week, and that all crazy was happening. Our alarm was going crazy, the boys were at it as brothers are, and the phone was ringing. I text him that I would talk later because everything was crazy! I told him I love him and he said he loved me and was probably going to go to bed because he had to wake up early Thursday to come home.

After getting the alarm off, the boys in bed and somewhat settled, I text him back. He didn't respond so I thought he was already asleep.

Thursday morning, October 8th 2015,  came and I glanced at my phone and did not see his normal morning text. I was confused but thought possibly that he may have over-slept and could have been stressed about his flight, etc. and may have just simply forgotten to text me. So, I sent him the verses I read that morning before heading to school, and waited. But, he never answered.

I taught my first class, and checked my phone multiple times. Still nothing. I began to get concerned when I text him that I would be needing to see a Dr. as soon as he got home because I was wheezing and getting worse. No response from him. That was unlike my husband. He always text back. I started to worry and thought that he may have lost his phone, missed his flight, etc. I started making phone calls looking for him. His Dad was at the airport waiting to get him...circling and circling. He said that Jeff never called him either. Again, my husband was very organized and NEVER did anything like that before. It was at that moment I felt sick. I knew in my spirit something was terribly wrong.

After confusion through multiple phone calls, tracking his iPhone and talking to various people, we learned that my husband never boarded his flight. It was at this time that the NY police were sent to the hotel. My worse nightmare came true within minutes. My world came crashing down and my life stood eerily still. My best friend, my husband was gone. He passed away in his sleep.

The rest of that day and days to follow are a blur. I have been struck with the worse type of pain imaginable. The grief is so heart-wrenching it makes me sick. I have questions that have not been answered and even more now than ever before I have questioned God as to why? Why now? Why him? Why me? Why my boys? Why our family? This isn't fair. I think I have uttered those words more than ever before.

My life forever changed in a split moment. I became a widow and single mom within minutes of hearing the horrific news. Fear gripped me. I felt like I couldn't breath. Why me? Why him?

The days following his passing have been confusing, frustrating, heartbreaking and yet filled with hope, peace and comfort. I know I will see him again, but honestly, most days....that doesn't help because I want to see him now.

In meeting with my Pastor I was able to share my transparent hurt. I was able to be honest without being judged. It was during our meeting that he shifted my perspective from Why to What Now? I may spend my days questioning Why and I may not ever get an answer. However, I will get direction when I ask What Now. Jesus is carrying my boys and I one moment at a time. I may not know why this is happening, but I do know what is next...and I need to focus on that.

As hard as this tragedy is, I need to constantly cling to His promises. Though it may feel like he has left me, He hasn't. He has used His people, His church to come alongside of my family and be His hands and feet. We are so thankful for the community.

I have always loved writing. Jeff would joke and always have me write things for him. He would always compliment me on my writing, though I never took him serious. Writing has always been an outlet for me. Since I was a young girl. I started this blog for a few reasons:

1. A release of my pain
2. Comfort for me and others
3. An online journal to look back on in years
4. To minister to me and anyone else who needs it
5. To feel closer to my beloved husband

My prayer is that the Lord would use these broken hallelujahs to mend the brokenness inside of me and others. I will always trust His Word  " That He has a plan for me. A plan not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11